Friday, July 31, 2009

Foooke Maaann: Recession reach Jamaica

It’s been awhile since i’ve ranted, lately it’s been a little too hot to even have an opinion about anything. I’ve been a little numb, but there’s been a little ache in my stomach from hunger lately and i’ve realized all of a sudden that FUCK, WE’RE IN A RECESSION HERE.

Alright so we’re all aware that we’re knee-deep in the middle of a worldwide economic catastrophe. Millions are being laid off, Lehman Brothers collapsed in September, there are thousands of cars just sitting in lots that will NOT be moving anytime soon and i’m starting to seriously consider planting a yam patch in the backyard [and maybe a banana and a cassava one, and definitely need fi start keep couple fowl roun de too].

While other citizens of world were running around like headless chickens and China was wondering where all their rice had gone a number of Jamaican’s [myself included] were still wondering what the hell a recession was and why couldn’t we just print more money to fix the problem? [I mean really it’s just paper anyway right?]

Everyone’s starting to get it all of a sudden people are really start to feel it... I’d better get myself a job or something because this shit is starting to burn people’s pockets, we can barely afford to put tins of sardine in the cupboard, tourists [pretty much our only source of international revenue] can't afford to come here anymore what the hell is gonna happen by the end of the year? Let's see, what's the rest of the Caribbean doing?

Caribbean countries dependent on tourism for jobs, foreign exchange and as the main driver of economic activity are being bombarded by the sharp downturn in the global travel industry. Consequently, several of these countries have had to knock at the doors of multilateral lending agencies seeking financial support, while those that are dependencies are being shored up by their 'mother' countries.

Already, St Vincent & The Grenadines, St Lucia and Dominica have sought support from the International Monetary Fund (IMF), and Grenada has had its existing arrangement augmented to deal with the effects of the crisis. St Kitts is expected to do the same. To date, Antigua & Barbuda, the Bahamas and Barbados have not gone to the IMF, although their external accounts must be hurting from the slump in tourism. For the next two to three years, these regional economies will remain shaky as recovery of global economic activity, to which the fortunes of the travel industry are tied, is expected to proceed at a slow pace. (The Sunday Gleaner July 26, 2009)


Ahh, that's right, we can always borrow from the IMF again. It's not like we'll be able to repay ANY of our 80 BILLION dollar debt anytime EVER, so why the hell not? Do you need collateral for this sort of thing [I really don't know] 'cause if so then we're FUCKED. It's no wonder the government is introducing a $5000 bill [worth only $55 US] Is it me or does Hugh Shearer NOT look very happy to be on there?

If that wasn’t bad enough I have to worry about global warming too!? The temperature has pretty much been a steady 90 degrees in the past few weeks, the meteorologist [assuming he actually knows what he’s talking about] is calling it one of the hottest summers since [whenever it was he said] and there hasn't been a drop of rain in weeks, this is officially drought and famine, did somebody forget to tell me this is the apocalypse? Or that the hole in the ozone layer is directly above Jamaica?

Let’s just all pray we don’t run out of food and have to resort to cannibalism, because I hear that after a few weeks of starvation the prospect of eating even one’s OWN flesh starts to look a little tempting.
P.S Bruce, legalizing marijuana is looking like a pretty good option right now, just sayin...consider it!

It's all looking pretty grim from where i'm standing, but i'll remain optimistic until the line at KFC on a Friday starts getting shorter.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

VD is for Everybody

Another gem found in the Archive

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Save Free TV

60's Drive-in Ad found in the Internet Archive

Survival


Found at Funny Corner

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Batman VS Spiderman

Had to post this one because it features both my favourites [for their psychological complexities of course] DC's Batman and Marvel's Spiderman [also, it's quite funny].

Are you a Marvel or a DC?

This is a hilarious video I found on Youtube that parodies the Mac VS PC ads replacing the two with Marvel and DC. Now this is a debate that will no doubt continue throughout comicdom...are you a Marvel or a DC?

Monday, July 20, 2009

The seriously FUCKED pyche of a Jamaican skin-bleacher


When I saw the title of this article ('Bleaching destroyed my skin') on BBC today I thought "yu fucka yu, who tell u fi a rub out u culla?". It's always been something i've found more than a little puzzling, why on earth would anyone believe that they would be more attractive as a croaking lizard? [croaking lizards are these hideous almost translucent white creatures that stick to your wall and frighten the shit out of a number of Jamaican women].

Anyway, how did I not instantly think the subject of the article would be Jamaican?

Meet Carlene (not the Dancehall Queen one) a 35-year-old Jamaican woman with a serious "brownin" complex.

After three years of heavy skin-bleaching she finally admits to the fact that she is burning her skin beyond repair...commendable [ish] right? Ye you might think so if she didn't bother to state a number of times that despite the fact that it makes one look like a hideous gila monster she would STILL recommend that others interested in "evening out their skin tone" simply use a milder skin-bleaching compound.


In the article Carlene describes a typical day:
When I wake up, I use warm water and hair removing cream to bathe my skin.
Then I go and rub on my stuff, which is a mix of Bioclear oil with the cream.
I rub it on night and morning. No matter what hours I came up the road, I love to get my thing on.
Trust me. If you knew me then and now...
Some people who knew me before I started bleaching say I messed up myself.
Some people say: 'You look too fake!'
Some look at me like a Barbie doll because I wear a lot of make up and my face is just so pretty.

So, I know you're thinking she must be insane, this is just one person, she is in the minority...and while she may very well be this how the people in her community respond whenever she stops bleaching for a while; "You get too black man, you need to start rubbing." [sigh]

BBC Article Here

Creepy NES Ad..."YOU CANNOT BEAT US!"

Found this on Youtube, it was apparently aired in Australia so thank your lucky stars you didn't see it as an unsuspecting child.

Cameo appearance made by that annoying fuckin Duck Hunt dog [by the way if you've ever wanted to shoot that mutt here's a flash game that allows you to do that: http://www.i-mockery.com/minimocks/duckhunt/]

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Seymour tries to pick up a chick

One night, while in the throws of insomnia, I got up and drew a raccoon....his name is Seymour

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Most Brutal, Creepy and Creative Anti-Smoking Campaigns

Ever seen a cigarette warning label that is just so ridiculous in it's attempt to scare you out of smoking that you buy that pack just for the hell of it? I hear those are the ones that actually sell most in Nigeria [or somewhere]...serious.

Well these are some that either went too far or just turned out to be some pretty cool pics...FAIL! [Like the fact that "Smoking Kills" is something a smoker is unaware of]



Ok, that one isn't real...it was done with an online cigarette pack generater, but the rest are.








You'd best not piss off Smokey the Bear!












Cigarettes kill more people each year than BOTH Hitler and Bin Laden combined!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Peanuts #1

What can I say? Can't get enough of Good Ol' Charlie Brown, there's something about the earlier design that I love more than the one we're more used to.


Monday, July 13, 2009

Fantasy Art: Schulz meets Miller

Just in case you've been under a rock for the past 60 years or so Charles Schulz (creator of Peanuts) made us laugh at failure way before the internet gave us the neverending annoyance that is Lolcats [and other such web clutter].

Frank Miller (comic God) is the genius responsible for Sin City, 300, Batman: The Dark Night Returns and shitloads of others...

Ever see that dark cloud over Charlie Brown's head and wonder what he's thinking? I'd say this is a pretty good guess. [Drawn by deviantARTist ninjaink ]


Thursday, July 9, 2009

Wait, there was an Amerie/Beyonce Beef?

[Chuckle] Where was I when the beef of the century was happening? Just this morning I was forced to watch an onslaught of what was maybe six Beyonce videos back-to-back-to-back-to-back on MTV Jams, one of them i'd never seen before reminded me of one of Amerie's from way back when.

Did some research and what I discovered...chick beef!

So apparently Beyonce had 'dissed' Amerie in a video and Amerie 'dissed' Beyonce back on a mixtape [yes, apparently she does these...dwl]:

Amerie- Because I Love It (Intro) Lyrics:

I'm saying who told yall,
Amerie would be back on the block.
It's been a minute,
But I see the fake has gotta stop.
Six months, and yall done checked my style
Thinkin I was M.I.A., that's wishful thinking child.
It's obvious to see,
Chickens try to bite it,
But they can't cop my delivery.
My style, my aggression on the track,
When yall chicks know yall wasn't singing like that, Yeah!
So let me break it down for ya,
To the ground for ya,
Go and chase that track.
Pay a hundred stack,
But you can't buy my sound,
Can't take my flow,
Can't bag my swag,
NO, Nooo-ooo-ooo [u know in that annoying crescendo way she does her "ohs"]

[I would post the song but I think one Amerie video is more than enough here]

Amerie-1Thing

Amerie - 1 Thing (Official Music Video)

Beyonce-Green Light

Beyonce - Green Light (Official Music Video)
With the exception of replicating the very same trademark annoying crescendo, Beyonce doesn't actually say anything in the song that could be interpreted as 'beefing' at Amerie, but the video is clearly a parody.

Amerie on the drama [XXL Magazine]:
This all I'm going to say about that: People are saying I've sampled 'Green Light' as a diss but I sampled myself from '1 Thing.' I don't think it's that big of a deal, anyway. R&B beef is corny. 'You can't sing or dance like me!' That's so corny. I don't love rap beef, but I can understand it. Us, we're singers [laughs]. It's so unecessary.

Amerie's reaction when she heard Beyonce's 'Green Light':
"Umm, I'm not going to comment on that. I'm just going to say, I would never take a sample of any other female's music. Even on my mixtape, there isn't any other female's music being redone. I didn't sample 'Green Light' to get at her, and I'm not going at Beyonce on the record."

Anyway, I really don't know why i'm posting this, serious television overload. Except for the fact that chick beefs are totally lame.

So, who wins at the end of the day? Truth is Amerie has been "M.I.A" but aren't we all sick of Beyonce's ass, and hips, and thighs, and ability to 'drop it'? [and now in her latest video, her boobs?]....well, no.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Super Mario Bros. FAIL

If there is anyone who has never played Super Mario Bros. I sincerely empathize with you, you missed out on a priceless childhood gem.

If there is anyone still in possession of an original NES in the Kingston area [that still works] kindly link me up. If you wanna laugh at this guy's failure, go right on ahead.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Shitty Urinals

No, they're not really shitty, they're actually kinda cool...I just thought it might be funny [in a juvenile sort of way] to combine the two words given the context.

Found these randomly on the internet and figured if there's one thing that could cause "penis envy" it'd be wanting the freedom to piss anywhere I please...also, in urinals like these:

Only a tad Perverse


Not too sure what to think about this one.


Confucius say "glug"?


Someone's going to hell for this one.


This one i'd give to a toddler for target practice.


What's a urinal without a little sexism?

Monday, July 6, 2009

Cartoon Hell Vol. 1

Palace Amusement has once again disappointed me by having absolutely nothing of substance showing in their theaters. Please, nobody wants to watch "Night at the Museum" and I really don't have to see "Transformers" to know that it's all special effects and no plot.

I've resolved that I must simply wait, and hope and PRAY that they'll be considerate enough to show Tim Burton's "Alice in Wonderland" when it finally comes out.

In the meantime (and in the spirit of creepy animation) I give you CARTOON HELL VOL. 1 Enjoy!

[WARNING: DO NOT WATCH THESE IF YOU ARE CURRENTLY UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF HALLUCINOGENIC DRUGS]

It's hard to imagine this cartoon was made for children, it certainly freaks the hell out of me.

The Mysterious Stranger - The Adventures of Mark Twain


Ahh, don't you just love stop-motion animation? I love the echo of the puppet's voice and the trippy music...not too sure about the nudity though but oh well.

I don't know yet


No one can freak you out quite like the Japanese

Toki


Now this one teaches some opportunist white kids to never try to cut up a rabbit.
Rabbit


The classic tale of the Sandman is kinda creepy to begin with, who would rest easier at the thought of someone sprinkling sand in ones eye? THIS is no lullaby.

Sandman

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Music Videos that SUCK

While idling on the internet today I thought it might be funny to post some of the worst music videos i've EVER seen, just for kicks. Some of them are a bit unsettling, others are fucking hilarious, but most are just plain stupid. Here we go:

[WARNING: Chicken's were harmed in the filming of this video]

Christopher Irons (aka Buddhist Guy)-Printa

Now i've actually met this guy in person a couple of times, brilliant sculptor but a lunatic nonetheless. Here's a great article on him written by Annie Paul for First Magazine: http://www.first-magazine.net/2008/07/08/the-iron-man/


Heidi Montag-Higher

Up next is Heidi Montag's brave attempt at having a music career...if I wasn't so fucking sick of seeing her plastic tits all over the place i'd advise her to stick to television. (I know its hard to watch but try to make it to the end, it gets worse...believe me).

Indian Thriller

This one is actually quite hilarious, I have no idea who sings it though, some Indian dude (needless to say the subtitles aren't real).

I-Maroon-Mi Salt

With this one it's actually hard to tell if these people realize the amount of cheese present in the production of the video. I don't know whether they're doing it on purpose or they're just completely oblivious to how badly it sucks (the song actually made it on Tempo's Top Ten Countdown though, but then again Tempo is absolute shit so it fits).

Lonely-Sound Killaz

I happen to know these people personally as well (sorry Matthew and Jordan, but somebody had to tell you the truth). This is just your textbook example of trying too hard.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

FUCK YOU INTERNET YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!

It's been so long since i've actually written something that wasn't a facebook status I barely know where to begin...it's been too long, subconscious since we've spoken. I almost lost my entire brain to become one of the drones still sucked in to these endless "social networking" fads. It's unbelievable, I left Hi5 for Myspace, Myspace for Facebook and now i've ended that 2 year love-affair to begin a whole new one with Twitter!


Is there something wrong with us that makes us crave attention from thousands of mostly anonymous people? Were we all not breast-fed enough? Or have we simply gotten so lazy we can't be bothered to step out into the sunlight and actually socialize with these people we call "friends"?

Sure "keeping in touch" via the internet isn't a bad thing, unless the person your "keeping in touch" with is actually sitting 3 feet away from you! [Yes, i've done this...quite often at that].

Last week one day I got out of bed and spent about 12 hours sitting in the same spot glued to the screen [I think I might have moved once or twice to use the bathroom or grab a snack but the majority of my day was spent working on getting that migraine to the highest point of intensity]. When did it get to the point where watching T.V is EASIER on the eyes?

There's a backlash coming, the internet didn't quite turn out to be the genius invention we all thought it would be, YouTube sucks and I just heard some woman got charged millions of dollars for downloading 28 songs! I'm about to sharpen a pencil and revert to snail-mail....then again, walking into a post office in Jamaica is like stepping right into the 16th Century, it's nearly impossible to even get an envelope there.

The worst part of all this is that as soon as i'm finished here i'll post a link to this post on Twitter.This tube is self-destructive,we must resist! It's control over us is sorta-kinda-almost-exactly like what happens in this video:

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Facebook and the "Feed"


There's this book I read a few years ago written by a fellow named M.T Anderson called "Feed" that made a lasting impression on me then because [in the tradition of George Orwell's "1984"] I found it's fictional content eerily similar to our reality. Here is a plot summary taken from the ever reliable Wikipedia [no but seriously this is actually accurate]:

Feed (2002) is a dystopian novel of the postcyberpunk genre by M. T. (Matthew Tobin) Anderson. The story revolves around a teenage boy and his relationship with a girl with a vastly different world perspective. They live within a futuristic world where technology has merged electronics and telecommunications with the human mind, something which plays a major role in the novel. The book is a dark satire about corporate power, consumerism, information technology, and data mining in society. Their life revolves around advertising, and the Feed does everything for them.

The story depicts a future in which the Internet has evolved into the "Feednet"; a computer network to which the brains of American citizens are directly connected by means of an implanted computer chip called a "Feed", which over 70% of Americans have set in their brain. Privacy has become a thing of the past; Corporations are free to monitor and manipulate citizens' thoughts, people's thoughts are interrupted by the mental equivalent of pop-up ads, sometimes to a debilitating degree, and the government can even subpoena one's memories.

People can "M-Chat" each other (a form of evolved Instant Messaging) on closed channels, effectively creating a form of telepathy. In addition, the Feed chip is implanted at such an early age that it actually takes over the running of many brain functions as the child matures. As a result, certain sites on the Feednet allow users to go "In Mal"; deliberately cause their feed chips to malfunction, causing physical and mental sensations similar to some illegal drugs.

The natural environment has also undergone extensive damage; atmospheric conditions no longer allow the natural formation of cloud and the sky is filled with artificial Clouds(™) and the ocean has become so acidic that whales are sheathed in plastic coverings.


Cut to maybe five years later and we have FACEBOOK!! that life sucking force of destruction hell bent on trying each day to manipulate us by suggesting the "friends" we should have, the television shows we should watch, the musicians we should "fan", the "causes" we should support and the list goes on and on. Think i'm exaggerating? Then I suggest that those of you who are on this "social network" simply pay attention to the advertisements on the right hand corner of each page, and not to mention the onslaught of notifications you have no interest in.

Close attention should also be paid to the "Live Feed" feature, we are under constant surveillance!

Now of course we do not have microchips implanted in our brains, but it is only a matter of time people...facebook may just be the 1st prototype....BEWARE!!

....at the very least read the book it is quite interesting.